Are you in a love hate relationship ?



I’ve been thinking about what a love hate relationship is. The operative word to me is “love”. If one is calling it “love hate”, it must mean there is first love. So where does that take you? Well, if this love hate relationship is someone with who you are having romantic relationship or marriage with, you’ll want to be investigating, understanding and dealing with where the hate is coming from. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1) Am I carrying resentment because of behavior in the relationship that has gone unaddressed?

2) Do I feel I hate the person I also love because we have issues and they aren’t being dealt with?

3) Is this relationship about failed expectations?

4) Am I always in a love hate relationship? (Is it because I like the drama?)

5) Is this relationship very similar to my parents relationship or my relationship to either of my parents?

There are serious issues underlying the questions above. The first three questions have to do with communication in the relationship. If one is to have a healthy long term relationship that succeeds, communication needs to happen. Yelling is not the kind of communication I mean. I am talking about expressing appropriately the feelings and emotions that occur when one is in close connection with another person. Feelings get hurt. Mistakes happen. Misunderstanding happens. Bad days happen.

Big and small events happen. Other people and situations impact what is happening between the two of you. If children are involved, everything is multiplied. And all problems have a solution but if the reason you call it a love hate relationship in the first place is because communication is poor, it is likely it will eventually end up becoming a totally hate relationship and end.

If your answer to question 4 is yes, I’m betting the answer to number 5 is yes also. If this is the case, it might not be enough to just express emotions appropriately within the relationship, it might mean you will have to deal with your relationships with your parents before you can turn your love hate relationship into one you’d call a love relationship, there’s a lot of healing work that needs to be done. With large and unresolved issues from the past, it is most likely that every relationship you ever have will continue to create problems until you realize that you are worthy of a love relationship and do not need to settle for love hate.

Time management in a relationship

 

Rank your priorities
Though children and finances should always be top priorities, other priorities are difficult to rank. If enough money is being brought into the household, should the father really take that promotion that will take him far away from the home?

Should your friend, who is in the middle of a breakup, take priority over your other friends? What if all of your friends are going through breakups?


Other Obligations
How many relationships do you have? Do you have a spouse? Do you have children? Do you have parents? Relatives? Friends? Acquaintances? A best friend? Clients? Let's say you only have friends? Let's say you have dozens of friends who are always calling and wanting to hang out? What do you do ?


Reciprocity in relationships
Any time you give to one relationship is time taken away from another relationship. Barring your relationship with your children, every relationship should have some type of mutual benefit. If your friend with your children, every relationship should have some type of mutual benefit. If your friend is not willing to give the same attention and empathy as you to the relationship, this friend does not deserve as much of your time as a friend who shows a willingness to listen to you and understand the real you. Of course, if you expect this out of a relationship, you should also give the same back


Be open about your feelings and your business
If you feel bogged down, let it be known. At the very least, you will see which of your friends are takers.
For many of your less self-centered friends, you will do them a favour by clarifying that you are not avoiding them but simply really short on time. Unless blinded by ego, good friend should understand that you cannot only be so many places at once.


Learn to say no
This is the most difficult step to follow for most people. None of us like to see the look of disappointment that stretches across a friend's face. Even at a young age, we have always had a desire to please others. For this reason, we must practice saying it all the more. The 'No' word is a tricky one. Say it too much and you come across as incompetent and selfish. When saying the no word, remember that you are not saying no to the relationship or the other partner's happiness. You are saying no to stress and exhaustion. You are saying yes to happiness and free time.

Signs of true love with great romance

 

1 Give and take in love.
You give to the relationship wholeheartedly, without any desire or expectations of getting something back in return from your partner to justify your actions.


2 Pure happiness.
Just watching this special person smile or laugh out loud fills you with intense happiness, even if you’re suffering or having a hard day.


3 Pain and anger.
You get terribly hurt when your lover upsets you, but their actions never anger you. You may get annoyed or frustrated now and then momentarily, but you just can’t stay mad at them for long because staying mad or giving them the silent treatment hurts you more.


4 Sacrifices.
You make sacrifices for their happiness or wellbeing, even if they may never realize it.


5 The right effort.
You go to great lengths and make an effort to improve the relationship, and play a conscious part in trying to please your partner and make them feel loved and special.


6 You can’t ever hurt them.
When you’re truly in love with someone, you can’t even imagine hurting them, emotionally or physically. Payback is a strong human instinct, but true love makes you completely selfless.


7 You keep your promises.
When you make a promise to them, you stick to your word even if this person will never find out if you broke their promise. When you experience true love, your moral conscience becomes very strong when it comes to this one special person.


8 We.
In a perfect relationship, it’s good to have your own space to grow as individuals. But at the same time, if you truly love your partner, you’d see them as a part of your life. When you think of your future, you can’t help but see them by your side.


9 You share their burden.
And you do that even if you don’t really have to. You can’t bear to see this special someone suffering. If they’re dealing with some issue, you’re always willing to offer them a helping hand even when you have your own difficulties to look into.


10 Pride and jealousy. You beam with pride when they achieve something, even if it’s the same thing you failed at. You may get jealous of a friend who outdid you, but when you love someone, jealousy never enters the picture.


11 Suffering.
You’d be willing to suffer, just to see them happy.


12 Their perspective.
Everything you do, you keep your lover in mind and think from their perspective, be it about planning a surprise party or hanging out with your own friends after work. You don’t ever want to hurt your lover, so you always think from their point of view before making any decision that involves them in any way.

Stages in a relationship

 

Stage 1 The infatuation stage.
This is the first stage in every relationship. It almost always starts with an intense attraction and an uncontrollable urge to be with each other. Both of you may be intensely sexually attracted to each other, or both of you may just love the cuddles and each other’s company. In this stage, both of you overlook any flaws of each other and only focus on the good sides.


Stage 2 The understanding stage.
In this stage, both of you start getting to know each other better. You have long conversations with your partner that stretches late into the night, and everything about your partner interests and fascinates you. You talk about each other’s families, exes, likes and dislikes and other innocent secrets, and life seems so beautiful and romantic.


Stage 3 The stage of disturbances.
This stage usually forces its way into a happy romance after a few months of blissful courting. Do you remember the first fight or angry disagreement you and your partner had? For the first time ever in the relationship, both of you confront each other over a conflict, even though it’s sorted out quickly.


Stage 4 The opinion maker.
In this stage, both of you create opinions about each other. As the months pass by, both of you know what to expect from each other, and you make an assumption about your partner’s commitment towards the relationship.

When these opinions and expectations about your partner differ now and then in real life, it can either leave you ecstatic or depressed.You don’t expect your man to buy you flowers, but he does. You feel ecstatic. At the same time, you expect him to pick you up from the airport on time. But he arrives an hour later because he forgot all about picking you up. It depresses you.


Stage 5 The moulding stage.
You have your own expectations from an ideal partner. And in this stage, both of you try hard to mould each other to fit your own wants in a perfect partner. This stage is a lot about give and take, and both partners constantly try to subtly convince each other to change their behavior towards the relationship. This is a power struggle, and one that can end the relationship if both partners are domineering.


Stage 6 The happy stage.
If the relationship survives past the moulding stage, both of you may have changed equally for each other and understood each other’s expectations. In this stage, the relationship cruises along perfectly and both of you may be blissfully happy with each other.
Almost always, this is the stage when both of you feel like a perfect match. You may even decide to get engaged or get married. This happy stage is also the stage of attachment when both of you truly feel connected to each other and love each other intensely.


Stage 7 The stage of doubts.
It’s been several years since both of you have been in a relationship with each other. And somewhere along the way, doubts start to creep in. The intensity of the doubts depend on how happy both of you are in the relationship.
You start to think of your past relationships, your exes, and other prospective partners. You tie your happiness in life with your relationship. If you’re unhappy, you blame it on the relationship.

In this stage, you start comparing your relationship with other couples and other relationships. Would your relationship survive this stage? It definitely could, as long as your relationship isn’t monotonous and repetitive.


Stage 8 The sexual exploration or bust stage.
This is the stage when your sex life starts to play a pivotal role. Both your sex drives may change or one of you may get disinterested in sex.
In this stage, you either give up on passionate sex or constantly look for ways to make sex more exciting. If sexual interests start differing here, one of you may end up having an affair. But on the other hand, if you find creative ways to make sex more exciting, your relationship could get better and bring both of you a lot closer.


Stage 9 The stage of complete trust.
This is the happy stage when both of you love each other and trust each other completely. But at the same time, the unbreakable trust in each other could also turn into taking each other for granted.
In this stage, both of you know the direction of the relationship and both of you are completely happy with each other and find it easy to predict each other’s behavior and decisions. But with stability in love comes the urge to take each other for granted.

As pleasant as this final stage of love may be, it’s still no excuse to take each other lightly or stop appreciating each other, because love is an intense emotion that can be rekindled by anyone else at any time if you fail to express your romance to your lover.
If you’re in a relationship for a while, you may have experienced all or most of these relationship stages. And if you’re still in a young love, don’t let the dark side of these relationship stages scare you.

What is cheating in a relationship or marriage ?

Cheating doesn't mean you have to kiss, meet or have sex with a third party. Once you find yourself deleting texts and e-mails so your partner wont see them, you are already there. Its like a cancer it develops slowly but you will surely feel the pain when its fully grown. The funny thing is most of the times, people try to... find what they already have because they don't just appreciate what they have. Remember the grass may look green on the other side but what if you could just invest time and energy by watering the one that you have. Wouldn't the world be a better place to be today?

Can you imagine how strong your relationship would be if you would not waste your energy, resources and time on things that have no future. Secret, small, hidden relationships are like ticks they suck all the good things out of your marriage or relationship and makes it unstable. it will take you more effort to repair what you would have damaged and the sad thing is sometimes those wounds might never heal.

Now with these so called social networks (Facebook, Skype, Whatsapp, Gtalk, iChat and many other platforms)- so many marriages and relationships are being damaged behind the scenes. Have you ever calculated the time that you invest in these social networks? What if that time can be used to promote those areas that you are struggling? Evaluate what the gain and losses that you have at the end of the day because in every conversation its either you are gaining or you are losing?

Stop sexting and flirting with those people- Yes you know them. Imagine your partner (Husband/wife) reading the messages that you receive, would he/she reply with a free heart on your behalf???? If the answer is NO, then that is an unhealthy chat/ talk that you are having Stop it before its too late. Some mistakes will cost you for a life time yet you could have just avoid them by just ignoring that chick/ dude who now loves you because you have been turned into a better 'asset' by your current partner. Where were they when you were struggling?

Please may you all get rid of all the parasitic relationships that will always be a treat to your relationships' healthy. Fight for what is right and never give up on the one you Love. Yes l said health because you have to know and take care of it just like your body. Love it as you love your body, maintain it as you maintain your skin, teeth, hair and nails. True love means hard-work. Do not apply if you are not prepared to take the risks. Stay out for a relationship if you still want to fool around (but that has its own price) because a relationship calls for great deal of commitment.

Most of the young people think that they will start being faithful when they get married- Word of Advise (You can never teach an old dog new tricks) That is why they are so many broken familes because people think they still have time to adjust. Start practicing being true to yourself when no one is watching because that's who you really are. Besides its by nature that what goes around comes around- Do you think the person that you got out of a secret affair will stop just because you are now with her/him?

True love indicators

 

1. Give and take in love.
You give to the relationship wholeheartedly, without any desire or expectations of getting something back in return from your partner to justify your actions.


2. Pure happiness.
Just watching this special person smile or laugh out loud fills you with intense happiness, even if you’re suffering or having a hard day.


3. Pain and anger.
You get terribly hurt when your lover upsets you, but their actions never anger you. You may get annoyed or frustrated now and then momentarily, but you just can’t stay mad at them for long because staying mad or giving them the silent treatment hurts you more.


4. Sacrifices.
You make sacrifices for their happiness or wellbeing, even if they may never realize it.


5. The right effort.
You go to great lengths and make an effort to improve the relationship, and play a conscious part in trying to please your partner and make them feel loved and special.


6. You can’t ever hurt them.
When you’re truly in love with someone, you can’t even imagine hurting them, emotionally or physically. Payback is a strong human instinct, but true love makes you completely selfless.


7. You keep your promises.
When you make a promise to them, you stick to your word even if this person will never find out if you broke their promise. When you experience true love, your moral conscience becomes very strong when it comes to this one special person.


8. We.
In a perfect relationship, it’s good to have your own space to grow as individuals. But at the same time, if you truly love your partner, you’d see them as a part of your life. When you think of your future, you can’t help but see them by your side.


9. You share their burden.
And you do that even if you don’t really have to. You can’t bear to see this special someone suffering. If they’re dealing with some issue, you’re always willing to offer them a helping hand even when you have your own difficulties to look into.


10. Pride and jealousy.
You beam with pride when they achieve something, even if it’s the same thing you failed at. You may get jealous of a friend who outdid you, but when you love someone, jealousy never enters the picture.


11. Suffering.
You’d be willing to suffer, just to see them happy.


12. Their perspective.
Everything you do, you keep your lover in mind and think from their perspective, be it about planning a surprise party or hanging out with your own friends after work. You don’t ever want to hurt your lover, so you always think from their point of view before making any decision that involves them in any way.

Why couples happier as their children get older

 

1. You can have quality time together.
It's been a long time since you've had the opportunity to really spend time on prioritizing your relationship rather than running carpools. Now's the time to to get back to date nights and renew your appreciation of each other.


2. You can fight in peace.
As adults, you know that conflicts are part of a normal relationship, but when kids hear you having one, it's scary. Now that they're out of the house, you can have your conflicts in private, allowing you to repair them properly so you can get closer.


3. There's far less stress.
The more people there are, the more needs there are to attend to. Once the kids are gone, the majority of the time, you can focus on the needs of each other.
 

4. There's time to relight the romance.
As kids become more independent, couples have more guilt-free "us" time. When kids are young, meeting their needs often takes a village - and when there is no village available , both parents must devote almost 100% of their energy and time to manage and meet those needs. 


5. Your activities become more mature.
Family time includes activities that adults actually enjoy versus activities that are mostly child-centered. There is nothing more amazing than taking your kids to Disneyland as a couple and realizing that you didn't even set foot in Toon Town! As your kids grow, you can share new, exciting, adventurous experiences together as a family that will strengthen your relationship like it did when you were first dating.
 

6. Less hands-on care means more time for you.
As children develop, they become more self-sufficient and require less hands-on care and less eye-to-eye time. As constant dependence lessens over time, parents aren't so tired and "consumed," and have more time for their own self-care, their relationship with each other and their own friendships.


7. There's more help around the house.
When the kids can help more around the house, couples and their families can do more of the fun stuff, together and with the kids. Many cultures recruit their kids into helping with the household chores at a very young age.


8. You can go places ... without the kids!
Couples can enjoy more date nights and travel when they feel comfortable leaving the kids behind. Whether the kids can take care of themselves or stay with a sitter or another family, a whole renewed freedom is back in their lives.


9. You gain more "me" time.
As children grow older, they become more independent and spend much less time with mom or dad. You can actually have private bathroom time! This is a gift that parents long for, as they now have time for themselves. In return, this creates a sense of calmness, emotional peace and harmony for mom and dad.


10. You can get your "sexy" back.
When you're so tired at the end of the day from running after your young children, the last thing you want to do is have sex. Many couples will say to each other, "I'll take a rain check, honey." Remember as children get older, mommy and daddy's energy returns, and so does "sexy time."


11. ... And your intimacy.
I'm not talking sexy time here, ladies. I'm talking about regaining intimacy with your partner. Time to talk, spend time together and actually having a conversation without your kid saying, "I need to go potty." As kids age, they are usually not sitting on your lap when you are trying to have a serious conversation with your spouse.


12. There's more time to spend alone.
While older children need us there, they don't want to spend so much time with us; in fact, sometimes they don't want to be seen dead with us! As children get older, we can leave them alone more and go out together again, experiencing some of the freedom we had before they came along.


13. It's easier to talk with our children about relationship matters.
While 7-year-old may find the concept of mummy and daddy time a little perplexing, a twelve-year-old will understand it a little more. Explaining to older children why you want to spend time as a couple is much easier and much more likely to be understood. And when children understand more, they are more likely to allow you what you need: time together.


14. Your kids need you less.
When children are small they need you all of the time. Most of your time and energy is devoted towards them and it's exhausting, leaving little energy for having a relationship with anyone else. As our children grow older and require less of us in all sorts of ways, we become less exhausted and more able to put energy into the relationship with our other half again.


15. You are not the center of your child's world anymore.
And when you are not the center of your child's world, it allows you to be the center of someone else's. While love is not infinite, I personally find it very hard to give all my love equally to so many people. So when your child doesn't need you in the same capacity, it allows you to fall in love with your partner all over again, in a different way.